On the carpet
This is a sketch I wrote for mixed company… small children and adults. So it has reindeer and insults for the little tackers and the adults get – well, you’ll spot that when you read it through.
You don’t need a set or any props and we limited our costumes to two sets of reindeer antlers and a white beard so it’s easy to stage.
Again, feel free to perform this, but do acknowledge me as the author.
SANTA CLAUS: Comet, get in here!
COMET ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE RIGHT OF SANTA.
SANTA CLAUS: You stand here, Cupid. [INDICATING A SPACE TO THE LEFT OF HIMSELF]
CUPID ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE LEFT OF SANTA.
COMET [IMITATING SANTA]: You stand here, Stupid!
CUPID: Well, you stand there, Vomit!
SANTA CLAUS: Stop that! This is exactly the kind of thing that has got you into trouble.
CUPID [ALARMED]: Are we in trouble?
SANTA CLAUS: I hear you’ve been teasing Rudolph.
COMET: I just said “Is that your nose, or are you eating a strawberry?” and [RAISING ARM AS IF TO WARD OFF A DAZZLING LIGHT] “Oh, the light! The light! You’re blinding me!”
CUPID: Come on, Santa: You would even say it glows. [TO THE RHYTHM OF THE LINE FROM “RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER”.]
COMET: It was funny. Rudolph has no sense of humour.
SANTA CLAUS: It was mean. It’s not nice to make fun of others just because they’re different.
COMET: So it’s okay to make fun of people who are the same? Hey, Stupid: your antlers look like coat-hangers, and you’re so dumb you’d get lost in a cupboard!
CUPID: Well, you fly like a popped balloon and you smell like a possum’s armpit!
SANTA CLAUS: It is not okay to make fun of anyone! And now you’re in even more trouble!
CUPID: I’m really, really sorry.
COMET: Even a red-nosed reindeer is better than a brown-nosed reindeer.
SANTA CLAUS: How do you think you made Rudolph feel?
COMET: Ugly? Worthless? Like the mutant he is? I hope so, because he is no fun at all.
SANTA CLAUS: I want you to apologise to Rudolph. And I want you to invite him into your reindeer games.
SANTA CLAUS: Yes.
COMET: Scarecrow tiggy?
SANTA CLAUS: Yes.
CUPID: Hide the sausage?
SANTA CLAUS [TAKEN ABACK]: Only if you both freely consent. And it was Rudolph’s turn to clean the sleigh tonight, but I want you to do it for him.
CUPID: Okay, Santa.
SANTA CLAUS: Go out and do it now.
COMET: Do we have to?
SANTA CLAUS: Yes, you have to! Get out! Now!
COMET AND CUPID BEGIN TO LEAVE. AT THE DOOR, COMET TURNS BACK.
COMET: Hey, Santa! Is that your beard, or are you eating a polar bear?
COMET AND CUPID RUN AWAY LAUGHING.