11 June

On the carpet

This is a sketch I wrote for mixed company… small children and adults. So it has reindeer and insults for the little tackers and the adults get – well, you’ll spot that when you read it through.

You don’t need a set or any props and we limited our costumes to two sets of reindeer antlers and a white beard so it’s easy to stage.

11 jun 2016.jpg
Is that your beard, or are you eating a polar bear?

Again, feel free to perform this, but do acknowledge me as the author.

SANTA CLAUS:        Comet, get in here!

COMET ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE RIGHT OF SANTA.

SANTA CLAUS:         You stand here, Cupid. [INDICATING A SPACE TO THE LEFT OF HIMSELF]

CUPID ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE LEFT OF SANTA.

COMET [IMITATING SANTA]: You stand here, Stupid!

CUPID:                       Well, you stand there, Vomit!

SANTA CLAUS:         Stop that! This is exactly the kind of thing that has got you into trouble.

CUPID [ALARMED]: Are we in trouble?

SANTA CLAUS:         I hear you’ve been teasing Rudolph.

COMET:                     I just said “Is that your nose, or are you eating a strawberry?” and [RAISING ARM AS IF TO WARD OFF A DAZZLING LIGHT] “Oh, the light! The light! You’re blinding me!”

CUPID:                       Come on, Santa: You would even say it glows. [TO THE RHYTHM OF THE LINE FROM “RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER”.]

COMET:                     It was funny. Rudolph has no sense of humour.

SANTA CLAUS:        It was mean. It’s not nice to make fun of others just because they’re different.

COMET:                     So it’s okay to make fun of people who are the same? Hey, Stupid: your antlers look like coat-hangers, and you’re so dumb you’d get lost in a cupboard!

CUPID:                       Well, you fly like a popped balloon and you smell like a possum’s armpit!

SANTA CLAUS:        It is not okay to make fun of anyone! And now you’re in even more trouble!

CUPID:                       I’m really, really sorry.

COMET:                     Even a red-nosed reindeer is better than a brown-nosed reindeer.

SANTA CLAUS:        How do you think you made Rudolph feel?

CUPID:                       Sad?

COMET:                     Ugly? Worthless? Like the mutant he is? I hope so, because he is no fun at all.

SANTA CLAUS:        I want you to apologise to Rudolph. And I want you to invite him into your reindeer games.

CUPID:                       Uno?

SANTA CLAUS:        Yes.

COMET:                     Scarecrow tiggy?

SANTA CLAUS:        Yes.

CUPID:                       Hide the sausage?

SANTA CLAUS [TAKEN ABACK]: Only if you both freely consent. And it was Rudolph’s turn to clean the sleigh tonight, but I want you to do it for him.

CUPID:                       Okay, Santa.

SANTA CLAUS:        Go out and do it now.

COMET:                     Do we have to?

SANTA CLAUS:        Yes, you have to! Get out! Now!

COMET AND CUPID BEGIN TO LEAVE. AT THE DOOR, COMET TURNS BACK.

COMET:                     Hey, Santa! Is that your beard, or are you eating a polar bear?

COMET AND CUPID RUN AWAY LAUGHING.

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